Dear Grandma

I wanted to send you letters but, i never gave any time to it...I wish i could've so i could get answers but i guess sending them now wouldnt be so bad. I wanted to tell you about my first highschool dance. I gotta say I really don't thinking humping people counts as dancing! It was disgusting how everyone was dancing, someone tried grinding on my and i simply walked away. Haha, dances really aren't my thing, not good at it. But other than that highschool is pretty fun. When i go back to washington I'm going to be who i wanna be, a leader! I'm going to show everyone im not afraid of being judged and who knows? Maybe just maybe people will respect that. I'm not scared to do crazy stuff that people laugh at. I'll wear my pjs at school whether im doing it by myself or not. I'll be the first to scream on spirit days. But most of all I will laugh right along with the people who laugh at me!

Anyways, Guess what? I'm making my own play, it started from a spark and now its ignited! It began the other night when me and my mom were messing around.
"Where are you from?" Mom asked me, so my immediate reply with no hesitation was,
"From planet Zebula." With my fingers in the peace sign. My mom seriously looked dumbfounded. Whether it was because of how fast i pulled the name out of my head or if she thought i was serious, I started laughing. My mom was like, "That face you were making would make anyone beliee anything!"
It was really funny well later in the night i got to thinking about plays. My first thought was I could make one! the main character is princess Zella du frella.

But yeah im super excited about that. Anywho i dont have a lot to say other than AUNT EMILY COMES TOMORROWWWWW
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
(: i love you.

Her friend changed who she was

While you lie to me and talk behind my back, I'm here actually trying to be your friend. I give chance after chance after chance. It's never-ending. Sometimes I ask myself why i have to be so nice. Sometimes i wish i was just a witch and would slap you upside the head for doing what you do to me. But, i know better. It will be different in high school, everyone's leaving and moving on will leave you helpless. Don't come crying to me because you'll find I've moved on too. Because that's what you did to me. After one fight it all changed. Why i even try to fix what doesn't want to be fixed is beyond me. It's a waste of time, yet I'm still here trying to think of something to say to you as a friend.

I'm afraid you've lost your many many chances. I'm beginning to move on, it used to be me that was lonely when we weren't on good terms but now it will be the opposite. Yes, I will feel sorry for you and I'll still talk to you. But, I have new people I trust and i know they can trust me.

Slowly, slowly I starting to forget the reason why i became your friend in the first place. It's all because you changed. 8th grade, naughty stuff, it all affects you in one way, shape or form. Don't deny the truth because, you have turned into a person i dont even recognize.

I'm glad I said no every chance i got, because when i look back at all those memories I know in my heart that i did the right thing. Watching lives go down is not my thing, i hate it. So don't expect me to take it anymore.

I will always love you, but sometimes you make me crazy!

Puff that stupid cancer stick

Sitting down, the clouds of smoke head my way. I cover my face with my hands trying to stop it from coming into my lungs. Do I make you do this? Is it because I'm not a good child? You cry and run outside to puff that stupid short dead stick and all i can do is watch you kill yourself. Do you like making me sad? Have you ever thought of what it may be doing to me and the boys? Did you know that second hand kills first? Well If i die know that i love you. The only time your normally off the phone or not watching tv is when your out there. So what is my other option? Call you in the same room? I don't even know anymore...I just wish everyone would stop exaggerating their addiction. You know what, I'm pretty sure if i ever started i'd be able to stop! And, thats not a lie. What? You haven't learned from the past that i stick with whatever i put my mind to? Everyone doubts me! Pushes me down into the dirt. But, I move on. I keep my head held high and avoid bad things? So, WHY is it so freaking hard? If I can say no why can't you! I don't know what it will take to make everyone see that I am a determined person and can get through whatever i need to. It just irritates me when people are always like, "Ughh! I want it!" and whining like its gonna make a difference.

If I had my way I would make all the bad stuff in life dissappear so people wouldn't change. Maybe then I'd still be close to people i thought would be my friends for a long time..Drugs screw you up. Pot changes you into a different person. People change because of that gay stuff. I'm sick of it. Sick and tired. I hate listening to them talk about it, but if it's what they want in their life. I will always love them. They are my friends...they just are confused as to which path their on...maybe? I don't know. I just hope that if they do change again it's for the better. Even if it means i won't be their friend anymore, I will watch from a distance. Then I'll know for sure.

I love people even though they don't love me. I've already grown too fast so who's to say I can't take anything i put my mind to. I wanna live my life right. No matter how hard or tough I'm gonna get through this. There's bumps and turns i can crash on, but I'm doing my best to avoid them okay?

If you don't know what I'm going through, please just butt out. :P I can handle things on my own, I have for the past and I will for the future. I don't need sympathy, I just want good friends. And a happy life. I'm trying. Don't critisize me, or try to offend me because it won't work.

I'm doing the best anyone can. <3

Thoughts are tricky

You know what's hilariously entertaining? I actually have to edit my writing journal because, I write about my friends so much. No, it's not about how much i hate them, it never is. Because I care a lot about the people i have here in my life, no matter how much they hate me. It's about their addictions and how much i wish I could help them. It's about how sad i am when they show up to my house under the influence. It's about how hard i have to force myself to put a smile on and say, "It's fine." or "Oh, I'm sorry you got caught." When I don't really mean it. I hide my emotions so much and not even people i thought knew me understand anymore. It's like everytime i try to make it work it gets worse. I pray. I talk. I vent. But, I vent to myself. I can't cry easily. And it's all because I've been building a brick wall against doing that infront of people i care about. I've made myself believe that nobody cares how i feel and if they do it makes them sad as well. Which I never like to see, it breaks my heart when I see people pitying my worthlessness. I don't need it. There are people out there handling worse things than i. But, i understand it. I don't post bulletins about how i feel for everyone else, it's for myself. I just happen to use that as a way of venting.

Sorry if when i tell you how i feel you get irritated. It's hard not talking to anyone about my feelings. Which is why im so screwed up. You'll never understand what im going through and how I have to deal with everything. Yes, I am the good girl but do you even know how difficult it is?

It's like all you care about is what you need, or want. And then you go saying your not addicted. I almost laugh when i hear that because it's a lie. All the liars i've ever come across their the ones i sympatize for most. Because, it's pathetic how desperate they are to get their hands on what they want. It's also funny when the only person i come close to being in common with is a ymca councelor. And she's leaving. Now, now...is when i need someone to talk to most. I...think I'm going to ask my mom if i can go back into thearpy. The person there said i was good to go, but then again i guess i didn't really like to talk about my real issues.

You know? All my life I've done nothing but, try to please other people. Day after day after day. It never ends, ever. Will I never come to my senses? Will i always be the person that gets taken advantage of? All because I can't learn to let people down once in a while. My life has been based on the simple rules i've always followed. Smile so they don't know your feelings. If anyone askes, lie. "I'm alright thanks for asking." It's easy kenzie. Just shrug it off. The feelings are sure to leave someday. You know, mackenzie lynn hollander has never learned the basic fact of life.

She's learned so much too. She grew up faster than she should have to help her brothers and her mom. She put her focus into finding out what life was about. She did all she could to be the bigger person. She said nice things when people put her down. She knows people don't like her but, she also knows God will always be her best friend. She prays to him and explains to him what is happening. She knows he won't interrupt her or tell her to let it be. Because, he's always been there for her through the good and the bad. She takes his hand and can face any of her fears.

Without the lord, I lose my soul. Without my soul, I am nothing but a wilted rose.

I know it's hard to go off something you cannot see. But, when I pray my whole heart warms and everything seems a little better in my life. And forever I will always hope to find a boy that feels the same as i. Then, maybe I'll be able to be happy. Because, all i've ever wanted in my life is a hand i can hold and do anything.

I will wait and pray.

Always and forever my love. <3

I thank the lord for helping my mother. I thank the lord for being there for me. I thank the lord for my well being. I thank the lord for everything and anything he's given to me. I thank the lord for dying for my sin. I thank the lord for this beautiful place and life of mine. I thank you god.

Tonight and the nextday and the next and the next and so on I will begin praying again. Because, I have fallen away. Tonight I will pray for grandma, because today's at least 6 months from the accident.I miss her so much and wish i couldve gotten to know her.

And maybe just maybe I will live to see the day a man gets on one knee for me. (:

The moster will beckon you

Okay so i was digging through my word documents, searching for something to write or just revise. Well, I came across a poem i wrote a long long time ago. It meant alot to me at the time and still does now. It was a point in my life that I do wish to not relive and i hope that my mom is okay with me posting it. My mommy is a lot better now a days and is definitely the person that i need her to be. But, nothing can change the mere fact that i am maturer than I should be. That doesn't mean its a bad thing, I just wanted to make that statement clear. I know im different, but Im learning to accept it and find new things to enjoy. I've been happy lately, maybe happier than i should but I am happy. Every day that passes all i can do is push forward and continue living my life. That's all anyone can do right? My grandma is watching me from above and i do hope she's proud of the person that i am. I miss her with all my heart, because i didn't get to know her as well as i would have wanted. Her soul will live among my family forever and i know that she knows that. Well, here's he poem, and some music to go along with it. (:

She examines the reflection sitting in the cheval glass,

her purple eyes weary with distress and sadness.

The monster calls her name softly,

you know you want the pain to go away.

Her grim future awaits as she snatches it,

one by one she swallows them.

Overcome with inertia She lets her head fall onto the pillow,

as the monster takes her to a fantasy.

When she wakes she is unknown to herself,

the soul that once lived is long gone.

All she craves is the fake reality,

her heart is powered by addiction.

One last time the monster beckons her,

again she falls under the spell of it's bittersweet happiness.

Abyss fills her mind and no emotion comes through,

yet she feels hot drips fall onto her sleeping body.

The spell lifts and it hits her like a crashing wave,

confusion and sadness overcome her.

Sirens come from all different directions,

and all she can do is cry.

 
   

 

The beginning of Turmoil

Okay, so everyone. I've decided to begin my journey into the big ole career universe, haha great yeah? No, big ole fat no. Trying to get into the career i want is complicated. Especially when I want to become a writer! Ugh, everyone says it's so very hard. But, did i ever listen? Nope! But, when does Mackenzie Lynn Hollander listen to anything anyone tells her? Haha, but I don't care! I am going to be what i want when i'm older. So I have begun a writing journal, which came to me yesterday. I was looking up writing tips and found this website that told me fast and crazy writing helps perk up the ole imagination! So, I've been writing everyday. So really...only two days ;) Let's just say I'm going to be a busy bee! Because, i have to focus on school and writing and friends and deal with everything at once. How lovely yes? Oh my, I do hope I get to be what i want to! I recently got my braces taken off as well. Woohoo to that :D Im so happy.
Well here's what I've achieved in the last two days, go right ahead and read the nonsense i've conjured up!

Writing Journal Entry #1 050809
I need to begin writing or typing my dreams down, because they are probably going to give me my best ideas, I know that they would! I really wish I had more to write about because it bugs me that I don’t! I have writer’s block all the time it seems like and school is always up in my grill when I don’t! My English teacher won’t even assign writing things. I mean what’s up with that? I’m waiting for some inspiration to come out of this because, I got this tip from a published writer and she seems to know what she’s doing. I’m gonna spend 30 minutes everyday working on doing this, because I need to get OVER my writers block because its just sad! I need to not worry about my work being perfect too! Even now I’m backspacing and making sure my punctuation is right. Sad isn’t it? I need to just write how I feel and what I’m thinking okay here goes nothing. I feel like my heart has been crushed yet I’m floating on a cloud overlooking everything from above. I’m sick of watching people thrown their lives away so obscenely. I don’t know what that word means so I hope that was correct usage! I wish people could understand where I’m coming from. I may not have had as hard a life as them but I’m an empathetic person. I can think up very bad scenarios that others would never believe could happen. Like I almost decided to jog around the neighborhood in the mornings but than I thought of what could happen. Someone could be coming home drunk or high and be driving in their minivan; they’d see me and immediately go into game mode or think of something else and try to hit me. I’d be running and running but eventually they’d hit me with their car and I’d go flying in the air, skidded the ground with a hard thud. Then they’d probably roll over my body a few times and continue driving home as if nothing happened. Nobody would know about it because I wouldn’t have a phone or be able to contact anyone. I’d be dead and everyone would be clueless until I didn’t come home from school that particular day. Yes, it is pretty sad that I have such an overactive imagination. But its what keeps my dream of being a famous writer going! From day one I’ve known that my specialty will always and forever be in writing. I’ve written my entire life and been showered with compliments for my vocabulary and the way I include my life’s times. I hope that one-day far from now I can be able to make people see through my eyes and understand what ive gone through. I am a mature 14 years old, seeing as how I know what’s right and what’s wrong. I’ve never done pot, or smoked. The only bad thing I can admit doing without feeling regrets is alcohol. Because my mother was there and she said to try it. My mom has done nothing but teach me the right things to do in life and I have done nothing but listen. Sometimes peer pressure hits me like a wave but I avoid it as much as I can. I’ve never given in even during the hard times. I’m always trying to get my friends to understand what they are doing. Like sluts for instance? Some of my friends give their selves to any of their boyfriends and I tell them that men aren’t going to respect them. See, I am a person that won’t leave the house without two tank tops and a shirt on top of those! But that’s just me and im told that decent men respect that about a girl and are more willing to chase after her if she is modest. Because they’ve never see her actually naked they want to and then they begin to know her and it’s not all about the sex so they actually bond and connect together. I hope that the first boyfriend I have (actual relationship wise) will love me for who I am and not for who my friends are. Because some guys expect the person to be EXACTLY like their friends I mean seriously it’s so dumb! I am a person that is very difficult to read seeing as how I do tend to hide my real emotions. Even from people I love because, I don’t want them to pity me or remorse for me. I don’t like attention and never have or ever will. Because it basically means to me that they are looking for people to cry for them. To me I HATE that and think I should suffer by myself whether than have EVERYONE being sad for me and calling to tell me sorry. Because it just kills me when people do that I mean do you know what I mean? I hope that when im older I can teach my kids the things I have learned and just pray that they will know what to do. I want to be a mom very badly, seeing those little kids just puts a smile on my face. I don’t know im just drawn to them and they love me too! I love to baby-sit contrary to the normal teenager. Babies are my other specialty; I always try to make them laugh. Because babies laughing are music to my ears especially when they have an adorable laugh. If I had a list of baby names id use I’d have: Boys- Desmond, Josiah, Gabriel, Aiden, Raye, Girls-Maribelle, Cecilia, Basically names ending with belle HAH But yeah I could make stories with each of those names explaining their mannerisms and flaws and how they act. Which I think I will do because that would make an EXCELLENT writing exercise man why did it take so long to figure that out! Jeez well at least I have an assignment to do for tomorrow! So I’ll Just write short stories about 10 boy names and ten girl names, easy peasy lemon squeasy! Yayy now im excited maybe this will occur all the time when I write! Muahahaha
Writing Journal Entry #2 050909
Alrighty so the assignment from last entry is going pretty smoothly, probably not gonna be finished for about 2 weeks which is all good. Let’s see I’mm try writing about one of the names here kay? Anne Marie. I double checked in the mirror trying to make sure my makeup was even and ended up having to brush over again. I smiled at my reflection making sure there were no tidbits from lunch stuck in my teeth. Throwing my jacket on I finally decided it was time to go to school. Everyone commented on how I looked I just smiled and thanked them. I needed to get to the only reason I ever got pretty each day. Gabriel Knight, the most perfect boy in school. “Hey, Gabriel. Did you study for mid-term yet?” I asked casually, trying to hide how scared I actually was. “Oh, hey Marie, a little but, I’m not really prepared…why do you ask?” He said his green eyes glinting suspicion. “No specific reason other than maybe we could study together?” I said shrugging. He chuckled and looked at his feet. “Sure, we’ll meet at the library at fourish?” He proposed. “Perfect, see you then.” I said with a huge grin. I began walking away, to meet with my friends and tell them what just happened to me. “Ellen! Guess what just happened?” I squealed, giving her a hug. Ellen’s red orange eyes twinkled as she looked at Gabriel. “Your kidding me? You did it?” She said a hint of regret in her voice. I kept being happy hoping she would be happy too but, it didn’t work. “Something wrong with that?” I asked, my smile gone. “Oh, it’s nothing. I thought you wouldn’t do it seeing as how it was a dare.” She said with a roll of her fiery eyes. “Well, maybe that dare brought the courage I needed…” I muttered. Ellen’s eyes lit up with a devious light, her thin line briefly turned up. “So, you won’t mind if I join you two?” She said. “Oh, uhm…well.” I said, really not wanting her to come. “Oh thank you Marie! This will give me a chance to actually get good grades. We’ll have so much fun!” Ellen said with a huge hug before leaving. I was left speechless, she had just gained entry without even getting my approval. I sped to the bathroom, wondering what to do. Looking in the mirror my hair had gotten a little undid. I pinned it back up tighter then before and took a peek at the bathroom stalls. I heaved out a long sigh, no. I can’t go back to what I used to do because of her. She won’t get the best of me, I’m not going to do it. After a few minutes I had to force myself to leave and hurry to my next class. “Alright, class we will be studying the…” Mr. Roberson announced, as I texted people. “Hay, r u alrite with ellen comin to study group wit u?” Delilah texted me, I grimaced. She was one to talk, Ellen was probably sitting right next to her waiting for my reply. “O, yea. Im cool wit it y?” I texted back to her. “O, jw.” She texted back and then I decided to stop. Stuffing my phone in my bag before Mr. Roberson walked by my desk. He eyed me suspiciously but continued his lecture of why we should listen as to not become hobos living on the street. I put my head down and muttered under my breath. Why, Ellen. Why? Finally the bell rang and my day dragged on and on. Oh, if only it had dragged on just a little longer but, at 2:15pm the last bell rang. My mom picked me up, asking me how my day was. “Just perfect! Really!” I scoffed, folding my arms. She laughed, “You sound so happy about it.” I rolled my eyes concluding that she didn’t know anything. “Ellen is ruining my day.” My mom muttered under her breath. “All that girl does is cause trouble, what’d she do this time hun?” I sighed and explained everything. “Wait, hold up. You have a date with a cute boy?” She asked, getting excited. I laughed a little, “Well I would if Ellen wasn’t planning on making it hell…” She was pretty much quiet the rest of the drive home. I’m guessing she didn’t know what to tell me. I got primped and pretty for my study date and set off to the library. And low and behold Ellen was there already, sitting on the table flirting with him. Her golden hair perfectly done, eyes blazing with delight. I had always had jealousy for her beauty but, never, had I felt the need to kill her. “Hey, Ellen. Did you forget your books?” I asked subtly, setting my stuff down. “Oh my, I completely forgot. Hey, can I use some of yours?” She asked an evil flame ablaze in the center of her pupil. I smiled, “Oops, sorry. I need to use them. Hey Gabriel.” He looked happy to see me, my heart was fluttering in my stomach. “So, anyways Gabe. As you were saying?” Ellen interrupted my happy thoughts. Gabriel looked irritated. “Actually, Ellen this is me and Marie’s study time. If you don’t want to study I suggest you see you self out.” He said with a grimace. Ellen stopped dead in her tracks, she looked as if she’d been hit by a car. “A-a-alright…See you guys tomorrow…then…” Ellen stuttered, stomping out of the library in a huff. “So, Marie how have you been?” Gabriel asked, opening a social studies book. “Well, now that you’ve dealt with the one thing that’s been bothering me. I am very good.” I laughed. He joined me and we continued our date. LOL you loved that quicky story didn’t you haha. I didn’t! writing for me means I have to be LOVING what I’m working on. And that my friend was terrible! The cliché of it all. One day imma write a sad story where the bad guy wins, because sometimes things need a twist. You cannot have the good person win everytime its just BLEH GAY. So im gonna make a dastardly charming bad guy who gets everything he wants xD lol naww just jokes. Hmm, I hopped a fence today. Almost fell flat on my face For a pizza hut guy