Thoughts are tricky

You know what's hilariously entertaining? I actually have to edit my writing journal because, I write about my friends so much. No, it's not about how much i hate them, it never is. Because I care a lot about the people i have here in my life, no matter how much they hate me. It's about their addictions and how much i wish I could help them. It's about how sad i am when they show up to my house under the influence. It's about how hard i have to force myself to put a smile on and say, "It's fine." or "Oh, I'm sorry you got caught." When I don't really mean it. I hide my emotions so much and not even people i thought knew me understand anymore. It's like everytime i try to make it work it gets worse. I pray. I talk. I vent. But, I vent to myself. I can't cry easily. And it's all because I've been building a brick wall against doing that infront of people i care about. I've made myself believe that nobody cares how i feel and if they do it makes them sad as well. Which I never like to see, it breaks my heart when I see people pitying my worthlessness. I don't need it. There are people out there handling worse things than i. But, i understand it. I don't post bulletins about how i feel for everyone else, it's for myself. I just happen to use that as a way of venting.

Sorry if when i tell you how i feel you get irritated. It's hard not talking to anyone about my feelings. Which is why im so screwed up. You'll never understand what im going through and how I have to deal with everything. Yes, I am the good girl but do you even know how difficult it is?

It's like all you care about is what you need, or want. And then you go saying your not addicted. I almost laugh when i hear that because it's a lie. All the liars i've ever come across their the ones i sympatize for most. Because, it's pathetic how desperate they are to get their hands on what they want. It's also funny when the only person i come close to being in common with is a ymca councelor. And she's leaving. Now, now...is when i need someone to talk to most. I...think I'm going to ask my mom if i can go back into thearpy. The person there said i was good to go, but then again i guess i didn't really like to talk about my real issues.

You know? All my life I've done nothing but, try to please other people. Day after day after day. It never ends, ever. Will I never come to my senses? Will i always be the person that gets taken advantage of? All because I can't learn to let people down once in a while. My life has been based on the simple rules i've always followed. Smile so they don't know your feelings. If anyone askes, lie. "I'm alright thanks for asking." It's easy kenzie. Just shrug it off. The feelings are sure to leave someday. You know, mackenzie lynn hollander has never learned the basic fact of life.

She's learned so much too. She grew up faster than she should have to help her brothers and her mom. She put her focus into finding out what life was about. She did all she could to be the bigger person. She said nice things when people put her down. She knows people don't like her but, she also knows God will always be her best friend. She prays to him and explains to him what is happening. She knows he won't interrupt her or tell her to let it be. Because, he's always been there for her through the good and the bad. She takes his hand and can face any of her fears.

Without the lord, I lose my soul. Without my soul, I am nothing but a wilted rose.

I know it's hard to go off something you cannot see. But, when I pray my whole heart warms and everything seems a little better in my life. And forever I will always hope to find a boy that feels the same as i. Then, maybe I'll be able to be happy. Because, all i've ever wanted in my life is a hand i can hold and do anything.

I will wait and pray.

Always and forever my love. <3

I thank the lord for helping my mother. I thank the lord for being there for me. I thank the lord for my well being. I thank the lord for everything and anything he's given to me. I thank the lord for dying for my sin. I thank the lord for this beautiful place and life of mine. I thank you god.

Tonight and the nextday and the next and the next and so on I will begin praying again. Because, I have fallen away. Tonight I will pray for grandma, because today's at least 6 months from the accident.I miss her so much and wish i couldve gotten to know her.

And maybe just maybe I will live to see the day a man gets on one knee for me. (: